This is a blog written by my sweet friend of many, many years, who has struggled with her weight since I have known her. She is exploring the possibility of gastric bypass surgery– and courageously offers us a glimpse into her decision-making process. In the spirit of paying attention to one another through our hard times, saying what needs to be said, and offering kindness to one another, I post this with admiration and love in my heart for my beautiful friend, who is gutsy, beautiful and full of the same questions we all face: What do I deserve? How can I help myself face my demons? Embrace joy and well-being? What is my place here, and how can I best live?
6 March 2015
I am STILL going to the mandatory group therapy sessions. It’s supposed to be 6 weeks, but we have had so much snow that they have been cancelled three times and are going on forever. I have to say, I kind of hated them at first, and I still do, at certain moments. But there is a piece of me that is fighting for everyone in that room. Fighting for and rooting for them to be a success, to make the changes and do what they need to, to finally win the battle with food. It sounds so stupid to say it out loud. “Win the battle with food.” Seriously? It’s a piece of lasagna. Not a 6’4 280 pound snot dripping, pus filled, lecherous monster who is going to ravage you. But it might as well be for all the power we give it. How do we get to that? Really? How do we get in so deep that we hand over all our power to a bowl of guacamole and chips?
I guess that’s the point of therapy, really. And I think it’s a good point. This is going to be life altering if I choose to have this surgery, and it should not be entered into lightly. I should be thinking about what got me here. I should be recognizing that my attachment to food isn’t healthy, or balanced, I should be recognizing that change is incredibly hard, I should know that habits are brutal to break, and baby, I’m all about the bad habits with food.
BUT, those habits can be broken. I have to say, I felt pretty powerful yesterday. I had a crazy, crazy day. The kind of crazy where you forget things on top of your car, because you’re in such a rush to run to the next thing crazy, and then you get to your appointment and realize you left all your paperwork at home? Yeah, that kind of crazy. Typically, that kind of crazy brings me to a drive thru. It’s an excuse really. ”I’m so busy I can’t possibly take time to eat well or have good nutrition. I’m so busy that only a fat, carbohydrate and calorie laden lunch will fuel me well enough to keep up with the rest of my day.” Oh yeah, and make sure it’s washed down with at least a super sized cup of a chemically laced, artificially sweetened and caffeinated drink. And refill that baby too!”
But yesterday I didn’t do that. Did you hear me, friends? I DIDN’T DO THAT!! I ate breakfast, I went out and when things went all crazy I kept drinking my water, got an apple to hold me over until I could eat a good lunch, then left the apple on the counter, and was good and pissed off about it when I got down the street in my car. Then, I thought “well, now I really have to go through the drive thru!” But I didn’t. I said no to that habit. I told myself to just hold on a little longer, and I did. I got through my next errand, I sat down, I had a flatbread sandwich and it was really good. It filled me up. And even though the bakery counter was flirting with me, and winking, and saying, “Hey you! Hey pretty, chubby, sugar and carb loving lovely lady, come on over here,” I ignored it. I looked the other way and did not let that bakery counter win me with false compliments. 🙂 I continued on with the rest of my day, stayed on track, and felt like a superstar at the end of the night.
I know it was just one day. I know. But it was one good day that I won. One day that I took back my power and made the good and right choice for my body and my life. And this morning, I’m feeling a little stronger because of it.
Cheering for you and your courage today, friend. xxoo
Are you on Twitter? I always love to hear your stories! @CoreyJamisonLLC
This blog was originally published by the Times Union and can be accessed here.